Joan Rivers: Her Best One-Liners of All Time
One of the things the late comedy legend Joan Rivers knew how to do was deliver a one-liner.
“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
"I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked."
"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'The man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds."
"I don't exercise. If God wanted us to bend over, he'd put diamonds on the floor."
“At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.”
“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”
“My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, ‘Pick up, I know you’re there.’”
"My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus — that way, I'd visit him every day."
"Before we make love, my husband takes a painkiller."
"I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry."
"I said to my husband, 'My boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes with everything.'"
"No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card."