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i'd just like to sing the praises of being gay to other gay people. to shout it again from the highest mountain and to as many people as i can reach. this letter is halfway stream-of-consciousness, it will get into murder and rape, not so much hannibalism, but i'm only trying to expand on who i am. you see, i thirst to try on new identities like some people thirst for knowledge, and i am always on a quest to broaden my identity, so i'd expect that the identities i'd like to try on would not be judged by the very people who supported chastity bono in her identity-crisis that led her to mutilate herself as if gender is a piece of clothing.

first of all, i love being gay. i've loved madonna since 1984. sometimes, i just want to write to gay organizations so that i can share my experiences. i love being gay. in fact, it was more than a few years ago when i declared the following to myself in realization of why "gay" is a synonym for "happy"...

1) i love going out because i love to be around other gay people
2) i love gay.com and my other "social networking" accounts because they get me social and they put me in contact with other gay people
3) i love sex
4) i don't care that i'm not attracted to females

now, years later and as a 38 year-old man, i can honestly say that being gay is the best thing that's happened to me, simply because straight men are nowhere near the type of person that they're attracted to.. gay "men," and i use that word loosely, are (at least) masculine and therefore have the potential to turn into the man of their dreams. now, after decades of being a total masculivoid and yearning for relations with the men who i saw as the "most ut," as judy jetson used to say, i have become the utmost and i am all the man that i need...and therefore...

1) i've replaced going out with staying in because i am interesting enough to keep myself entertained - and being around my own masculine presence gives me the feeling of completion that i once would only be able to get from being around "real men".
2) i love "social networking" and all of my facebook accounts because i can taunt gay "men" with the words "are you man enough to be your man," much like i taunt the "anything a man can do" type of Strongwoman when, no matter what she says she can do, she still relies on gender-based sports teams and gender-based military requirements. something like "anything a man can do, as long as she's not competing against a man"
3) i've replaced sex with masturbation because, although masturbation also puts naked men on pedestals (and reminds me of the fact that, in comparison, i am somewhat of a masculine slight), there is no poop on my penis once i ejaculate.
4) i still don't care that i'm not attracted to females

i would always say that "being gay is the best thing that's ever happened to me" when i was younger, kind of as a defense-mechanism for my hurt pride, but i really didn't know anything else - being gay was not an option i explored alternatives to. being gay just happened to me after years of feeling somewhat less than masculine. eureka, what a total shocker, i felt like a masculivoid and so i searched for masculinity to make me feel complete. oh, i won't bore myself by writing about my overprotective mother and my absent father, gay activists have made it as plain as day that the roles of my parents had nothing to do with my growing up to use men as a crutch in my quest for a sense of completion. they have made it as plain as day that my upbringing had nothing to do with the either the gender of the crutch or the reason i did not feel complete without one.

as i was saying - i used to say "being gay is the best thing that's ever happened to me" all of the time. it was a stupid thing to say back then and it was not really justifiable with any knowledge of being straight, but the reason i can say it (and mean it) now is because i know that a desire for women would get me looking for the woman of my dreams every night. without one, without a woman, i'd be beat, incomplete - kind of like how madonna described herself in her 1984 release of her first #1 hit entitled "like a virgin".

i am the man of my dreams, i've found the man of my dreams, there is no such thing as the woman of my dreams because i don't think much of people who can't exercise with a 100-pound barbell. seriously, though, a "real man" in my life is what fulfills me because the bruised esteem given to me by other boys on the schoolyard ("you throw like a girl," and "you're a little wimp," etc) during my childhood had established my identity as that of a masculivoid. furthermore, i can say that i WAS beat, incomplete...but not that i AM beat, incomplete. i am the man of my dreams, and while there is a more perfect specimen of manhood around every corner...well, that's just a matter of the masculine delusions i've had since childhood - the delusions regarding chest hair and muscle. the fact remains, though, that i do not need a crutch to get me through my semi-charmed kind of masculine existence. that's because my masculine existence is not semi-charmed. i guess i got a tip from dr. frank-n-furter, who built the man of his dreams in a laboratory, but i built the man of my dreams in my room. er, i guess i "write the gay away" on the computer in my room, but it was in my greenhouse where i built the kind of muscles on myself that i would previously envy and worship on other men. in my greenhouse is where i "exercise the gay away," enough to stop regarding strong men as "real men," enough to stop classifying them as divine, untouchable or out of my league . i lift weights and i swim in my greenhouse...as well as sing and do water-aerobics with the 80s/90s music. now, prince sung "sometimes it snows in april," and the greenhouse lets me swim all year long...but as for water-aerobics and madonna...well, sometimes i vogue in april.

anyway, being the man of my dreams and being attracted to men keeps me from wanting to have sex with anyone. you see, if i was attracted to females then i surely wouldn't be woman enough to be my woman. i am therefore so thankful that my past life of not being my own masculine epitome has led me to function as a crooked "man" rather than as a straight man, because if i had a sexual appetite for anything but men...then being the only man for me wouldn't save me from a life of wanting sex with other people.

i can hear it now, people taking issue with an unused homosexual attraction. hmn, now i'm thinking...madonna had a lyric...and it goes something like this: "there's a certain satisfaction in a little bit of pain". well, there's a certain satisfaction i get when i fantasize of inflicting pain upon certain democrats i have spoken to.. i guess the rest of the gay community would tell me that christianity is bad because it keeps me from doing what i want to do. hmn...now i'm thinking...should i do more than tell people what i want, what i really-really want? oh, who am i kidding, i don't really want to harm a democrat. i don't really want to be (yet another) man to overpower a Strongwoman and rape her - these are just fantasies that i wouldn't enjoy if i actually started doing them. "how do you know you won't like it if you've never tried it," i hear the community say. hmn...now i'm thinking...i've tried being in bed with men - this is true and it's why i choose porn and masturbation. eureka, is my true identity that of a murdering rapist - will i never be sure unless i step inside the shoes of a murdering rapist? i wouldn't know the first thing about killing people, but i've never tried it...so maybe i can't say that i don't like it. after all, some people get enjoyment from it. some people even get sexual enjoyment from murdering people, even if rape isn't involved. gee, i really liked "the silence of the lambs". hmn, now i'm thinking about my true identity. and why shouldn't i be, why should the gay community take issue with my questioning my own identity - isn't that what they encourage? ("you'll never know that you don't like it if you don't try it," stop whispering in my ear, mr. lecter, or i'll snort more cocaine to drown your voice out) i've never done anything like george huguely did, so i guess i can't really say with any knowledge that i wouldn't like it. maybe it's my true identity.

i apologize for that look inside my mind. i can't keep snorting when i'm trying to write something...i get so unfocused. let me hold off on rape and get back to the previous topic of having sex with people. i don't like putting people on pedestals, i don't like putting body parts (naughty or otherwise) on pedestals, and if i am going to do it then i'd want to get it done as quickly as possible. enter masturbation, bed-humping, shampoo-lube in the shower, anything but sharing a bed. i know that michael jackson said "what's wrong with sharing your bed," and it's fine as long as nobody's naked...but naivete just slaps me in the face when i've got either my fist or my penis up someone's ass. usually, naivete slaps me in the face when the aforementioned parts of my body exit the ass with a smelly, brown coating over parts of them.

i'll maintain that i'm proud to be gay, but the pride lies in not being attracted to females. i'm proud that i am attracted to masculine images, that is gay, but i'm also proud that i don't feel slight enough as a man to want to snuggle up to and have sex with the personifications of the masculine images that i am sexually attracted to. hmn, if i'm too proud to snuggle up to men like i'm some kind of bottom-feeding/ass-kissing masculine insufficiency, then i must not be proud to be gay...rather, i must be TOO proud to be gay. too proud a man to go for second-best. ha. whatever the case, i feel that i owe the gay community my gratitude...for if it wasn't for the apparent gender-naivete of "men" who go gaga for masculinity (i've seen them in strip bars, cheering and screaming in praise of the naked, beefy and studly musclemen). then i might have had no reason to change myself so that i wasn't like gay people. the truth is, i just couldn't love or respect myself if i was as much of a blank genderivoid as the "men" in the strip clubs who see a discovery zone in other men and embrace it. i do see self-respect as respect of the actual reality of the gender that's physically a part of the self that wants to be respected, i don't see self-respect as respect of the impressionable reality of someone's answer to the question "who do you think you are". in other words, a man is a man and if a man would start to sing a song like "man! i feel like a woman," instead of chuck berry's penis-affirming "my ding-a-ling," then the man has gender-identity issues (issues with who he is) and he would certainly not be respecting the man he is by becoming a woman. let me explain why...

gender is the reality that birth bestows upon someone gender-identity is the reality that doesn't develop until one can form opinions about oneself in relation to the world (and genders) around him. "who do you think you are" is not a therapeutic question that should be asked by a therapist in an effort to determine if someone needs a sex-change operation. the truth is that anyone who wants a sex-change operation needs to see a therapist for help in accepting reality, because the acceptance of one's reality is both the acceptance of self and the acceptance of one's eye color and one's shoe size..and one's physical gender. self-acceptance will never tell a man to change his gender. self-acceptance will not allow impressions of the world around a man to lead him to believe that he was not "supposed to be" a man. if reality isn't black and white, then it's certainly red and green and blue...and one's reality should not be tainted by any secondary colors produced by society mixing their many rainbows of diverse views in. this "rainbow of diversity" reminds me of a webpage i once made - a whistling wind is heard as these words appear on the screen: "your mind is so open, i can hear it from here".

some people say that you can't "pray the gay away," even when some christians have "prayed the gay away". some people say that it doesn't snow in april, even if other people have seen "april showers" replaced by "april snowflakes". now, madonna once sung a song called "justify my love," and that's what i do. i justify my lusts by reasoning with myself enough to "reason the gay away". let me just say that i get very angry when it comes to limitations regarding the amount of money i can put into slot machines. likewise, i get very angry when it comes to limitations i'm thought to have by people who think sexual preferences are as unchangeable as the current time. it's actually quite ridiculous for gay activists to accept and even embrace the ex-heterosexuals with the line "you're realizing your true self," while labeling the ex-gay crowd as either "self-loathing," "brainwashed," or "sexually confused" in an effort to shield their prides with the words "he wasn't really gay". well, these defenses of homosexuality can also be called "grasping at straws" or "seeing what sticks" - so, for the next few paragraphs and as an effort to paint the straw-grasping activists as incredulous, i would like to employ the same kind of "grasping" tactics to mock the gays who are apt to put limitations on me and on the sexuality of heterosexual wannabees.

some say that my unwillingness to relish in homosexuality labels me a "closeted homosexual," but i'd ask the activists if a lack of genuine interest in gay sex would make or break that label. furthermore, if the reality of a homosexual attraction should relegate a man to a life of gay sex, mister activist, then why shouldn't the reality of a masculine body relegate a man to a life of no sex-change operation? if i have a sexually open mind paired with lots of practice cultivating my erection through use of playgirl magazine, would that make me a non-practiced bisexual who didn't practice with playboy magazine because the gay-affirming media told him not to? and should i not be relegated to a life of gay sex if i was only playing by the rules of a gay-affirming society when i would give myself "practice sex" only with gay porn? if i have a sexually open mind that's disgusted by and strays from sweat, saliva, lunch-breath , gamy armpits, gamy asses and unfirm behinds...am i lying about the identity of the man i am by continuing the sex-act when i'm not attracted to my partner like i was before we undressed and got into bed? am i lying to myself and denying my true identity by continuing the sex-act when all i want to do is leave - even if i had no clothes and i had to hitchhike naked like madonna did in her 1992 book called SEX?

having watched many different news stories, i feel like i am correct to say that gay activists would call me "brainwashed" and have my psychiatrist fired if he scared the homosexual right out of me with "negative reinforcements" like electric shocks and horrible smells. well, where do gay activists stand with regards to gay porn? there is no such thing as "smellovision," and therefore anyone who gets hooked on gay porn is only being subject to half of the gay sexperience. now, if gay activists would have a psychiatrist fired for "shocking" the gay lust out of somebody, would they sue a porn studio for presenting human bodies in a positive light without any reminders of dung or sweat? i ask this because i developed slowly and i had always looked with envy upon images of hairy, masculine armpits. they have been a favorite of mine since i was 10 years old, i'd seen them on tv and in movies and on my friends - and i'd never gotten close to one until recently. you see, i was actually looking up at a masculine, hairy armpit about two feet away from my face - and the realization of the sweat and grime had totally turned me off. all the porn movies that i'd seen would present armpits in a favorable light, leaving me anticipating the day i'd be able to put my face inside one and just realize my fantasy. let me ask a question: if i was turned off by the reality of armpits - if the fantasy of armpits was cultivated for years with non-offending pictures of clean and dry armpits - would gay activists sue porn studios for portraying armpits as something for gay "men" to relish in when the realization of the reality of armpits can be as competent a "negative reinforcement" as an electric shock is? would gay activists sue movie studios for contributing to the allure of manly and hairy armpits if the reality of manly and hairy armpits may produce an effect that is quite similar to that of the shock therapy that "shocks the gay away"? why should they ban gay-to-straight "conversion therapy" if it's only given by a doctor? if they're gonna ban doctors from changing my mind, from changing the way i think...then why don't they ban movie studios from portraying gay sex as alluring, when gay sex in reality involves enough smelly *******s and poop-residue to get homosexuals to (in the classic words of michael jackson) "make that change".

the preceding is an example of using bull**** to "grasp at straws" and reach a desired conclusion, much like how the ex-gay crowd is belittled by gay activists who use bull**** (assumptions) to label them as "confused" or "self-loathing". i, too, can throw bull**** to see what sticks. keep calling me "brainwashed" and "sexually confused" with no real knowledge of anything, i will throw your straw-grasping back in your face with MY straw-grasping . as for now, well, it's late. wow, i didn't intend this letter to get as wordy as it has become. i must apologize.

"have i said too much? there's nothing more i can think of to say to you" - madonna

dylan terreri, i
www.homosexualityiswrong.com
www.jaggedlittledyl.com/essays